I already know the fellas are going to be mad at me for this one. I’m sure of it. lol But in my defense, pretty much everything I’m about to say can be applied to females as well.
This isn’t related to intelligence at all, but more so to expectations, behavior management and the cause & effect approach as it relates to dating. So guys don’t take offense just yet. Hear me out.
I monitor a group of twenty 3rd graders five days a week. They drain ALL of my energy each day. And while I won’t call them bad… I’ll call them unstable creatures. 😂
To keep them in line and on task I have a behavior management system that they are expected to adhere to.
You misbehave, you get a warning. You continue to misbehave, you move to yellow… and the cycle continues until you get to red and have to write a behavior journal. And if you’re really feeling yourself then you end up on blue and you get a phone call home.
I’ve never had to call home.. although I’ve relayed a few “Your child acted a d*mn fool today” messages to parents when they picked up their precious little angels. *insert sarcasm here* 😒
So one day after school I was talking with one of my friends/colleagues and she mentioned how we should institute a behavior management system when we deal with men.
I think I heard the Heavens open up & an angelic choir sing “Hallelujah!” when she said that. I could not agree more.
So ladies I truly believe having a set of rules and consequences in relation to the male behavior we experience will drastically effect how we are treated.
When it comes to dating/relationship expectations, men are a lot like kids and we are a lot like teachers.
In dating, WOMEN generally set the rules as to what is acceptable and what can be considered as deal breakers. A lot of men (not all) have an opportunistic agenda when it comes to dating. A lot of women are like this as well.
A man will start off his approach based on what he feels that you expect. Then he observes you. He tests you & taps on the boundaries a little bit just to monitor your tolerance level.
They’ll text/call you late at night just to see if you will answer, or Check Em!
They’ll cancel on you last minute just to see if you will be okay with that, or if you’ll Check Em!
They’ll ask to “chill” instead of plan a real date just to see if you’ll oblige them, or Check Em!
And the pop quizzes will continue so that they can get an understanding of how they can categorize you. Unfortunately, your performance on these tests determine whether they take you seriously, or they don’t.
So what is my point? It’s simple. DO NOT reward bad behavior.
What is bad behavior? Well, everything I listed above. Not to mention. ..
3. Standing you up
4. Leading you on
5. Treating you like a booty call
6. Delaying exclusivity after a reasonable amount of time
7. And any thing else that makes you feel you’re being taken for granted
The point though is that typically, a man will step back and observe your expectations and “pain threshold” and then adjust his behavior accordingly. If he feels like you’re okay with something he will consider it a green light.
AND not every action a man takes that rubs you the wrong way is intentional ladies. Maybe calling you late just fits better into his schedule. Maybe a Netflix date aligns more with his budget at the moment. .. or he thought you would really enjoy a new controversial documentary that was added since you’re into conspiracy theories.
So don’t be so defensive when a man does something you don’t like. Coming for his head is not always necessary. .. especially when it could just be a misunderstanding or varying perspective on what’s appropriate.
If he calls/texts you late & you don’t like that TELL HIM. Respectfully of course. A simple. .. “Hey hun, I don’t take calls or texts after 10pm. Just wanted to let you know. ” is sufficient. Either he respects that or he doesn’t. BUT you have to stick to that same rule as well… don’t go out with your girls, get drunk and then start texting that man at all hours of the night. THEN get mad at him if he doesn’t follow the “Before 10pm” text rule the next night.
Men hate hypocrisy.
The same goes for small lies & let’s “chill” attempts. Address it immediately, and respectfully state your opposition. Be sure to follow it with an alternative like.. “You know you can always be honest with me no matter what.” or “If you’re in a chill mood how about we do something low key like get icecream & walk around the city”.
If he challenges your wishes or appears to discredit your attempts then don’t be afraid to verbalize the consequences to his bad behavior. He’s not an idiot, he knows he then has to make a decision. Be Respectful, or Be Gone!
Always know that a successful behavior management system solely relies on CONSISTENCY!
If he treats you like a booty call on Saturday & you’re down, don’t get pissed at him on Wednesday when he wants to repeat the routine. He’s not a mind reader. Stop it.
And if you’re dealing with a guy who just doesn’t want to follow the rules then don’t be afraid to let him go & move on with peace and assurance that you gave him a fair chance to get it together.
I once had a man tell me that I was too nice and that he would do things on purpose to get a reaction out of me. He said that I tolerated a lot and that he wish I would just curse him out or yell at him sometimes.
That conversation still haunts me because it revealed a lot about both of us.
1. He saw me as a doormat
2. He was used to disfunction & obviously didn’t know how to handle a healthy relationship
3. …and because of that I was being punished for being nice
4. I am too tolerant of bad behavior
5. I realized that the man that I loved deeply had absolutely no respect for me
6. He was hoping & trying to force me to respect myself
I never want to see another woman feel the emotions I felt after that conversation.
You are accountable for your own happiness. .. and while you may not have control over what happens to you once, you usually have complete control over whether it continues to happen to you.
Require that the men you date practice respect and responsibility in every interaction they have with you.
You may lose a lot of guys. .. and with this generation you’ll lose them quickly lol.
But operating this way will guarantee that you’ll never lose your sanity, peace of mind, self respect and self confidence.
Those are worth more than every man in this world. In fact, they’re priceless. 😘