(honestly I hate the P word, but I heard a similar phrase referenced in this same way on another male sponsored blog and I determined that for this post it’s necessary. The shock value is necessary.)
Do you remember the old saying. .. “Friends make the best lovers”?
No? Okay well let’s pretend that you have. Now… do you believe that statement?
Over the years I’ve bounced between yes and no regarding whether the best romantic relationships involve people who started off as friends.
And I don’t mean the generic “We were friends for 14 years and then we fell in love!” scenarios. (Although I think those are what good love stories are made of)
I’m talking about those occurrences where 2 people meet somewhere and they exchange numbers. .. then over the course of a few weeks/months/years they develop a real friendship IN ADDITION to the romantic relationship that they are cultivating.
Now let’s take a step back for a moment and get a little personal. … which will make you realize the point of this post.
One day I met this guy who swept me off my feet. I just adored him… and the more fond of him that I became the more I started to lose sight of getting to truly know HIM. Instead I became obsessed with labeling him. And because of whatever deep rooted insecurities on my part, my goal became more about jumping into a relationship than seeing if I would even like the true version of this man enough to date him.
I started to become more concerned about what he introduced me as… who he introduced me to. .. what friendships he had with other women… his social media activity… the “where this was going” concern etc… etc… and I stopped nurturing our Friendship.
And when I say friendship I mean the type of encounters that disrobe people emotionally and mentally and allow you to get to know the man or woman behind the image.
I stopped inquiring about his life experiences, what made him laugh… what music inspired him the most… his ambitions.
I stopped being his friend because I got so consumed with becoming his girlfriend.
And you know what happened? He stopped trying to be my friend also. And as a result I started to lose him. I started to become just p*ssy. With a headache on the side.
I read an article once on another blog and it said something to the effect that a man will pull away from a woman who he feels is more in love with the idea of being in love than she is in love with him.
And although I’d like to believe that I loved him more than the idea of “me and him”…. I can’t say that. Not with conviction. Now of course I loved him… but I didn’t love him as deeply as I was capable of loving him.
Why? Because when our friendship stopped being nurtured our conversations and interactions shifted. We no longer talked about things that would reveal more about ourselves to each other. .. our conversations became too surfaced.
They became general. .. and they lacked inquiry. We still laughed and joked and enjoyed each other’s company but we were no longer GROWING together. We were no longer inquiring about each other.
So I want to say. .. and this is especially for the ladies (It applies to you as well gentlemen!)…
To get to a point where you are building a healthy, lasting relationship with a man you must prioritize a place of friendship in his life.
Men can and do get sex from whomever they want, whenever they want. So never think that what you have between your legs is going to be enough for him.
Men can get their egos stroked whenever they need to. .. they can get a home cooked meal just as easily and they can always find a woman who’s willing to “work with him” despite his obvious flaws. Sooooo don’t think that telling him how fine and how much of a good man he is will be enough. Neither will cooking from scratch like your grandmother or accepting his unemployment status lack of professional motivation be enough either.
Because I know some beautiful, educated and overall incredible women who are trying to figure out why their man has withdrawn from them despite how on point their sexual, cooking, give a man the benefit of the doubt, ego stroking qualities are.
He’s not prioritizing you because he’s not emotionally invested in you. And for a man to become emotionally invested in a woman he has to be able to talk with her… share with her… talk about the things that he reserves for those closest to him.
If all you talk about with him are general topics like sex or what’s trending on Facebook & Instagram then how will you ever see the layers of who he is? Most importantly, how will he see your layers?
You want to make him truly care for you. .. about your feelings, views, goals. Make him love you on a genuine level and make him see you as more than just “p*ssy”
And the only way he’ll see you as more is if you give him more to see.
Now in my personal life I’ve been told “I love you” by a good amount of men. Some were well meaning, others were not. Out of all of these declarations of love that I’ve received over the years I can only say with certainty that ONE of them truly loved/loves me.
It’s no surprise that he is one of my most valued friends. He and I have never dated… but I know that when this man says he loves me he means it… and he’s coming from a place of sincerity and insight.
He knows me. Of course, he doesn’t know everything about me but you don’t have to to love someone! This guy has, however seen me when I was happy, angry, vulnerable, confused, disheartened, discouraged, optimistic and the list goes on.
He knows that I’m an emotionally needy train wreck at times. He knows that I’m a Lakers/Kobe Bryant fan. He knows how I feel about controversial topics like race, religion and politics. He knows that I’m extremely goofy and he knows that hilariously awkward things like the “Napoleon Dynamite” movie or the “What does the fox say” song lights up my life! lol
And he found this out about me because we became friends. Our encounters weren’t clouded with sex, surface conversations and fears of “saying the wrong thing or looking silly”. I was able to just BE with him. And when I say Be I mean exist in the reality of who you are.
That’s truly what I believe men want. They want a woman who they can BE with. .. in addition to the physical and sexual attraction. Someone who allows them the freedom to explore who they are when they are with them. Without judgment.
If you can’t capture his interest on an emotional/mental level then how are you different from the woman he works with who’s just as educated as you? Or the woman that goes to his gym who’s just as fine (with a fatter a**) than you?
Now this is not to promote competition against the next woman for the affections of a man but let’s be realistic. .. to him you never want to be “like the next woman”.
I was once told by a man that I was his “release” and that he looked forward to seeing me as often as possible because I made life seem easier. He saw me as his refuge… his sanctuary. He wanted to be with me because I washed off the debri of a rough day just with my presence.
He had slowly let me in and began to reveal himself to me… his life and even the things that wasn’t so beautiful about it.
And you know what. .. instead of building on that and nurturing the role I played in his life I got so caught up in trivial things that it wasn’t even time to worry about yet (mentioned above) that I slowly transitioned from being his peace to being one of his stressors. From being his friend to being what he thought he could get from any woman.
My entire point is this. .. you want a man to feel a sense of loss at the idea of not having you. You want him to be so invested in you that you become a fixture in his life. You want him to see you as a person. .. an individual with certain characteristics and ideas and qualities. Someone different from the plethora of women he encounters daily.
You want him to get beyond seeing you as p***y? so that he can actually see YOU.
Because these days P*SSY? can easily be replaced with a simple “Hey Stranger” or “Wyd” text to the next chick… but it takes a lot more effort to replace and dedication to find a woman whom a man can truly be friends with and see beyond what exists between her legs.