So I’ll preface this post by giving the disclaimer that I’m referring to courtships/relationships of women who are dating men wellllllll into their late 30s, 40s and so on. Think: 8 to 15+ age difference. So I’m not talking about those of you who are dating some 32 year old guy and you’re 25. Not applicable.
BUT…. for the rest of us, read on.
Now when it comes to dating and being ready for something real…. *in my Savannah from “Waiting To Exhale” voice*…
“I’m not your average 24 year old girl who’s willing to wait around and count the days”
I’m a 31 year old professional woman who is completely over the cat and mouse race that we currently call dating. So last summer when I started noticing a trend of me getting approached by men in their mid 40s I started to get curious.
Could dating men 10 years or more my senior give me different results?
I was willing to find out and after listening to my girlfriends’ stories of their experiences and casually dating a few & now seriously dating an older guy myself I have drawn a few conclusions as to what I think the pros and cons are.
Of course you might not agree with me or may/may not have different experiences but ultimately I’m right so keep reading. ?
I’ll start off with the Pros…
1. Older men usually have the car, house, and financial stability stuff figured out.
Now of course this doesn’t apply to ALL older men because, well…. I’ll get back to that in the “Cons” section.
Ultimately though, these guys have usually lived long enough and recovered from enough mistakes to have a good grasp on how to handle their credit and income. They also understand stuff like stocks and bonds, equity, interest rates, and can truly appreciate how a 401k works. In most cases they can even help you step your financial game up. We all know what that means.
2. Older men are usually closer to the reality of a marriage and kids
This point is definitely a plus if you find yourself coming down with “baby fever” every now and then, or you have a few LIT wedding and engagement boards on Pinterest with your whole love life planned out for you. If you know that in the reasonably near future you may want to get married and make babies, then older men might be for you. It’s like they come pre-packaged with an “I’m ready for all of that” feature that doesn’t make you feel like you’re rushing him in any way. These men have mostly sown all of their wild oats and cheated on enough exes to realize that it’s just not worth it anymore and that settling down is something that isn’t all that bad after all.
3. You don’t have to worry about the club hopping because older men are generally over that phase
There’s nothing worse than being completely over the club scene and ending up in a serious relationship with a man who just… well, isn’t. Especially if you both live together. When you’ve gotten to the point where you’ve tuned down your partying ways, who in their right mind really feels like dealing with a man who basically lives in the club with his boys? No shade to those who still enjoy a good night of partying (I mean don’t we all), but there comes a time when we should all become occasional partakers and not weekend frequent-ers ya know. After a certain age you kinda just want your man in bed with you at a decent hour… not rolling in the crib at 4 am smelling like Hennessy and club sweat.
4. They’ve probably already been married before so they know what to look for and what does/doesn’t work in relationships
Speaking of marriage…. there is a big possibility that these “seasoned men” have already been there and done that when it comes to exchanging vows and rings and all of that other ish. Which, in this case can be a GOOD thing. They know what makes sense, what costs too much, what resolves disagreements, and what splitting and sharing bills and income does for a relationship. They’ve either already only married for looks OR they’ve already been in a marriage with a strong foundation. They’ve discovered that they can deal with a woman who can’t cook as long as she’s willing to learn and they are certain that they can or cannot deal with certain living habits. This may seem like it gives them most of the control in the relationship but in reality these are things that you don’t have to waste time working through together if you know upfront. A man who has already “been there, done that” can voice his preferences and expectations early on and you have the option of taking it or leaving it. In some cases it’s better to know now that he expects a cooked dinner every night and he doesn’t eat leftovers before you move in together and get into a huge argument because you tried to feed that man spaghetti for 4 days straight because that’s the only dish you’ve mastered without food poisoning somebody.
5. Sexually speaking, you may be a “breath of fresh air” for them so they’ll be extra hyped about having a PYT (Pretty Young Thing) on their arm
So this part is hella superficial, but isn’t that what men get accused of being anyway?
Let’s say you’re a ripe, young 30 year old who frequents the gym and does her Kegal exercises daily. What do you think will happen when Mr. 47 takes a swim in the pool of youth? I have reason to believe that he might not be getting the same type of “experience” with women his age or older than he gets with you. Now, this is no shade to all of you sexy older women because I’ve come across a few that can run circles around 20 somethings but just going off of average encounters… these men aren’t used to experiencing the benefits of those Kegal exercises and Fiji waterfalls between your thighs. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard while conducting research.
Now… the cons, and unfortunately there are more than a few. ?
1. They’ve probably already been married before so they’re either jaded or committed to the idea of NEVER getting married again
There’s not many things worse than realizing that you’re dating the guy who secretly hates women. Whether they know it or not, this type of man exists. They hate love. They hate marriage. And honestly, you’re just around because they have needs and they’re in denial about just how much they haven’t healed and/or moved on from their last relationship or marriage. God forbid that his ex wife cleaned him out in the divorce settlement or that she cheated on him, or any other messed up situation and you may always be left compensating for what “she” did or did not do. Besides… if you DO want to get married eventually who really wants to waste their time with someone who is sure that they never want to marry again. We’re not even going to mention the ones who make it clear to your zero kids having self that they are done having kids and don’t want anymore. I had a guy tell me that once and I was sitting on the other end of the phone like… “so ummm, why am I even talking to you?!?”
Don’t waste your time sis, they rarely change their minds.
2. They’ve lived a full life already and you’re walking into an already made life/family.
Now, another possibility is that you meet this incredibly dope man who has all of these amazing qualities… BUT he has like 3 to 5 or more kids already. That may not be an issue for you if you already have kids too or if blended families are your thing. BUT, what happens if you always saw yourself becoming a first time mom with a first time dad? Or what if you could deal with one or two kids but a whole basketball team of offspring is just too much for you? What happens when he also already has grand kids, and/or a kid or two that is not that much younger than you are? These are things to consider because if he is open to having more kids with you and you guys get married you will become a wife, step-mother, and a grandmother all at once. Who has pictured themselves as a grandmother at 30? Date a guy who has this whole scenario going on and it will become your reality as soon as you say I do… or move in together, whichever comes first.
3. If they aren’t that good in bed you’re working with a decades long misconception and the lies of many women before you that made him honestly think that those little moves he does actually feels pleasurable.
We’ve all been there before. You know… that time when your first time with a guy was so bad that the whole time that he was doing whatever he was down there doing, you were practicing your exit strategy in your head. Well imagine finding a guy who is that guy but aside from that one flaw, you really like him. Even worse, he thinks that what he is doing is a signature move that has “always gotten him rave reviews”. Of course you don’t tell him (or you do cause some of ya’ll are savages) that it feels more like that time when Stoney from “Set It Off” had to sleep with that old dude for her brother’s college fund money. OR, it’s like when Savannah from “Waiting to Exhale” slept with that growling dude who finished in like 9 strokes. Sometimes it just isn’t worth the struggle. Sex is a very important part of a relationship and if you have to teach a grown man how to have it effectively it just isn’t very fun anymore. Like who has time for that?
Disclaimer: If he’s DOPE in every other area gon’ head and try to teach the man how you like it. Don’t let me make you miss out on something good just because his oral sex skills and stroke game is
4. The older man who actually doesn’t have his sh*t together
Then there’s these dudes. What a whole waste of a man and your time. I’ve personally met these types and I’m still trying to figure out how you’re 40 something and STILL living and acting like a frat boy. There was a PRO that I mentioned earlier about older men having their stuff in order but one of the worst things about dating older men is when you run into one who you have to help grow up. He doesn’t have a bank account OR has a poorly managed one, he has no retirement plan, is okay with basement dwelling or renting for the rest of his real estate life and he blows his money on silly, superficial sh*t. Like, seriously… what woman has time to raise a man who could have, based on age, raised them. It’s depressing.
5. They feel the need to rush milestones because they are older
Now this one is a bit tricky. Not to mention annoying in the right doses.
Imagine meeting an incredible guy who is older than you, has his stuff together, and still looks all young and fine (#LookAtGod #WontHeDoIt) like these scatter brain guys in your age group. Dope right? BUT… what if upon dating him for a few weeks he starts planning out your future together. By that I don’t mean the cute stuff like let’s take a cruise this summer and summer is only 4 months away, but more like let’s have a baby because I don’t want to be too old with a toddler. What if you just aren’t ready for all of that? Now some of us can dig a man with a plan because, well marriage and babies is on our “To Do This Year” list, but for the rest of us… the need to rush things along because HIS clock is ticking can be burdensome. Men like this can make you quickly realize that it isn’t just women who are racing against time and biology clocks, because as some men age they start to feel the pressure too! No one wants to feel like they are being hurried through their relationship because then it starts to feel phony. No one wants to feel like they were robbed of the reasonable progression of a relationship just because the other person is ready. Compromise is key.
So there you have it. 5 Pros and 5 Cons of dating seasoned men. Feel free to let me know if I
missed one so that I can keep this list going! In the meantime, if you can find a good one get
you an older guy… when they are one of the good ones you literally hit the jackpot! Trust me!
I’m currently reveling in my jackpot winnings as we speak! 😉