As you guys all know by now, I’m not officially “The Single One In The Group” anymore. Yep… somebody saw greatness and bagged ya girl! *insert tongue out emoji here*
As a result though, every now and then I LOVE posting pictures of me and my boyfriend… or even just him by himself with some cute, catchy caption included.
I do it for me. I do it for “The Gram”. Sometimes I do it cuz maybe I’m feeling real #TeamUs at the moment.
And even though I’m biased and all, I think that we look so cute together and so like… in love. And we are.
BUT… every time I get a “like” notification and I look back at each picture I say to myself… Relationship Goals are bullsh*t.
Though I’ve been guilty of a few “hashtag goals” moments myself, it truly bothers me how fake relationship goals, and the premise behind them are.
When you think about the idea that we have all been guilty of looking at another couple and thinking “D*mn, I wish that I had that”, it kind of makes you question your progress in life… and that’s whether you’re single or not. The comparisons kick in by default.
Why am I not going on any bae-cations?
When am I going to be able to do the cute #DateNight things?
Why don’t I have a boo tagging me to his posts with captions like “My future wife”?
But you know what… Stop that sh*t.
Why? Because Relationship Goals are bullsh*t and half of those pictures that we see and swoon over or question our lives over are bullsh*t… even if it’s a just a little bit.
Sometimes I scroll back over old pictures of me and my man and I think about how for some of those… we had JUST gotten into an argument before or after we took that picture. Or how one of us was probably ready to break up with the other the day we took that picture.
I struggle with the falsehood of Relationship Goals because when my relationship is going through it’s downs and it’s not the pretty part of love that everyone makes you think commitment is, I start to realize that people are out here not telling the whole truth about what love and relationships really look like.
Why don’t people tell you that love won’t always be a perfectly cropped Instagram picture? Or matching His & Her vehicles? Or “She said Yes” Facebook announcements? Or flowers just because and expensive gifts for no reason at all?
They don’t tell you that this relationship sh*t comes with it’s fair share of ups and downs and that sometimes, although you love your partner, you might not like them in some moments.
If I’m being honest, I adore my man and honestly he’s who I wanna do this forever thing with… but the evolution of our relationship has been an intense combination of beautiful moments, passion, and tumultuous circumstances that have really challenged who I am as a woman and a girlfriend.
We’ve argued and faced conflict about MANY of the things that couples fight over… Effort, Quality Time, Interactions with the opposite sex, Partying, Appropriate times to come home after partying and the list goes on.
WE ARGUE.
WE SHUT DOWN.
WE GIVE SILENT TREATMENTS.
WE BEHAVE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVELY.
WE FEEL REMORSE.
WE APOLOGIZE.
WE MAKE UP.
SOMETHING HAPPENS & WE DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
That is the nature of our union.. and for a very long time I’ve questioned the validity and possible longevity of our relationship because I felt that since we argue and we’ve faced a few character defining, sometimes even hurtful moments, something must be wrong with us.
The other “happy” couples I see don’t look as if they argue like we do. None of the couples on Instagram look like they go to bed some nights without speaking, or that they may be dealing with jealousy issues or mistrust. Everyone looks happy. All of the time.
So if sometimes I’m not very happy or I don’t LIKE my man in the moment (even though I still love him)… does that mean that my relationship sucks and is doomed for failure?
And this is the problem with Relationship Goals and why they are bullsh*t.
Because using another couple to measure the dopeness of your own relationship sets you up for complete failure. They make you compare what you have to something that is merely a visual representation of a moment.
Gabrielle Union and Dwayne Wade are #Goals but at one point he had a break baby on her.
Beyonce and JayZ are #Goals but then that whole Lemonade thing happened.
Barack and Michelle Obama are #Goals but who knows what type of challenges they face in private.
Does that mean that we shouldn’t respect and admire these couples within reason? Of course not, but it goes to show you that relationships are not always pretty and perfect.
People cheat. People mishandle joint funds. People get jealous. People say hurtful things. People change.
And no matter how many times Beyonce posts those dope a**, well propped pictures of her and Jay, we all know that at one point in time he f*cked up. Just like our boyfriends and girlfriends have or will f*ck up. But just imagine had they not chosen to reveal the conflict in their marriage…
We’d all be here screaming GOALS at 2 billionaires who pay a lot of money to control the narrative of their relationship to the public.
Stop yelling #RelationshipGoals as if that sh*t really means something. As if you REALLY knew what that couple faces and could handle the things life throws at them. In many instances we’re out here yelling “Goals” for couples who are emotionally destroying each other.
Is that your goal? A relationship that is only pretty when the camera flashes?
My goal and my hope is that couples be more honest and transparent about what really takes place in everyday relationships. People hurt each other. People disappoint each other. People push the boundaries of trust. People fail. And as long as there is active effort to change those things for the better and to evolve together and separately, if your relationship happens to be going through it at the moment all is not lost.
You’re not in a doomed relationship because you argue or even because somebody cheated. I’m not telling anybody to stay with a cheater but I’m saying to make that choice for yourself and don’t self loathe if you do decide to work through some crazy, hurtful sh*t just because you think happy people don’t hurt.
They do, and the moment that you realize that #RelationshipGoalsAreBullshit, the faster you can get to cultivating or reinventing the relationship that you want and need… despite what the world projects as “The Perfect Relationship”.
The perfect relationship is the one where two people are constantly trying. Anything else is unrealistic. Trust me.
