If you have ever been confused about something that a man Did, DIDN’T DO (side eye), or even something that they have Said then you have at least one thing in common with like… 99% of women, past and present.

In fact… you are probably a woman who is, was or still wants to date one of these complicated creatures, despite how crazy they drive you. (And I mean drive you crazy as in he makes you want to kill him… not that he gives you butterflies).

I know girl… I know.

The funny thing though is that most men aren’t that complicated at all. In fact, most of our issues with men result from us trying force ourselves into harmony with men whom we were never meant to harmonize with to begin with! (See below.)

You when you’re trying to make “Fetch” happen with some guy it’ll never work with anyway.

Anywho, I thought it would be dope to ask a few men out there to advocate for themselves. To take an opportunity to dispel any myths or misconceptions about “How men think”… and then give a little clarity as to what a lot of men are thinking as it relates to women.

I asked 7 men of various ages and relationship statuses to answer 11 questions for me that I thought many women in this current dating culture wanted to know the answers to. Most of them didn’t hold back.

So ladies… read and make frequent notes of what they have assured me are their honest thoughts on each topic. Enjoy!

Men Speak…

 What are your biggest turn offs when it comes to women?

Image courtesy of stockimages at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

“The biggest turn off is a woman who is high maintenance. You might be a daddy’s girl but in the real world you need to be a woman. Thinking a Man owes you something will leave you single in my book.” – Ced, 31, Dating

“Women who claim to be independent but then really need a man’s help. Don’t front like you got it because we met during tax season and then in April you need help with your car note.” – Lloyd, Dating

“Personally, I’d have to say my biggest turn off in a woman is insecurity. For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a disproportionate amount of female friends, compared to males. The vast majority of these friendships were/are purely platonic and I’ve never had a woman disrespect any relationship I was in, or my significant other at the time. Even so, I’ve had issues in the past with the woman I was pursuing, or in a relationship with getting upset with a fact that I never tried to hide and have always been up front and honest about.” Chris, 30, Married

“Smoking for me is number one. Next would be multiple kids. Not saying a woman having kids is a bad thing but a woman that has multiple kids with multiple men makes you question her safety and train of thought. The special number is 3 or more. Women with that many kids with different fathers means she’s prone to making bad decisions. The third thing would be work ethic and appearance. Every relationship is a business venture. If you don’t work to make your business profitable it fails. That’s the same for relationships. Appearance goes with conducting business. Men should stay well groomed for their lady. Ladies’ jobs are harder in this area because they have to look the part day and night. Lingerie was made for a reason.” – King, 31, Engaged

“My biggest turn off is a woman that always want to be right.” – Keith, 33, Married

“It depends on the woman, honestly. One thing about one woman may irritate the fuck outta me in the next. I guess a generalized answer is the lack of ability to accept a compliment. Necessity of reassuring of things already being proven. Also, comparisons to exes or others make believe perfect relationships.” – Greg, 30, In a Relationship

“I hate a selfish, bad hygiene, abusive (verbally, physical, emotional), contradicting, lazy, simple minded, one track women. Some women do have the trait of being impatient because she wants everything right now instead of building/rebuilding with their mate in their relationship. Sometimes they have to realize that it takes time and effort to build an empire than trying to walk their way into someone’s kingdom while being someone’s side bitch waiting for a come up. Nowadays women look for men to make trap babies so they can secure themselves for at least 18 years and then wonder why they can’t find a True Prince Charming.” – Putt, 28, In a Relationship

“Women with masculine traits are probably the biggest turn off. I always found myself gravitating towards “girly girls”. I don’t really want a girl who can out eat, out drink, out fart, out rap, out smoke me.” – Jason, 31, Dating

What makes you decide that a woman is relationship worthy or that she isn’t?

“When she has something to bring to the table besides sex… and when she is completely open.” – Lloyd

“Personality plays a major role in my decision to pursue a relationship with a woman, or not. I’m human, and honest enough to admit that yes physical attributes DO matter (lol), but if I can’t vibe with a woman’s personality, then there’s no way I’d considered furthering a relationship with her.” – Chris

“That’s your business partner at the end of the day. If you can’t do good business with her then it will not work. Her work ethic will play a part in it as well. Does she want more out of life or is she just cool with surviving?” – King

“I must admit that I was not in too many serious relationships until after college. I was not mature enough and too focused on my goals of graduation and securing employment. But the one factor was “goals” ….a woman had to have goals and realistic plans for the future.” – Keith

“Our interactions, our ability to converse and our activities together during down time. Also her character traits and her morals.” – Greg

“In my eyes a woman that is worthy of being relationship worthy is what she brings to the table, running their references by looking into their relationship credit report such as HoeFax and Relationship Annual Report lol. In all honesty you can tell that a woman is relationship worthy by the way her family reacts when they first meet you by action and words. The family members to trust by their response for acceptance is the grandparents, uncles and aunts. You can never go wrong with them because they will have all the insight of her, who she was with before you and how did they feel about him when they spent time with him, talking to him etc… If she is very genuine and understanding of your circumstances trying to help you from past hurt and build something special willing to wait until the moment you’re ready to turn it into a serious relationship she is the one. Most of the time a man does need time to think and consider being in a relationship because of the woman he is dating and he wants to make sure that she is the one that he sees himself with in a meaningful relationship. Now we may (85% of the time) talk to or date multiple women at the same time because we want to make sure that one woman really is actually the right one for us, some women may not agree but if they take a glance in the mirror or phone they’ll realize,whether they like it or not, that they’re doing the same thing. It may not be sexual or physical but either way women are doing the same thing.” – Putt

“How she carries herself is probably the biggest factor. There is a certain level of class and decency that I expect out of a woman I’m going to be in a relationship with.” – Jason

“If a woman carries herself like a lady she is worth having a relationship with. I don’t want a woman who thinks it’s cute to be drunk, constantly dating different men, full of drama or a candidate for love and hip hop. Keep it classy.” – Ced

Is it true that men decide to settle down then the next woman he meets becomes HER or do men become convinced to settle down after they’ve already met and have been dating HER?

“I honestly think it depends on the man… from my perspective, if you decide to “settle down”, then get in a relationship, it MAY work, but you very well may be settling, on “settling down”. If, however, you choose to reverse the order, you know that the woman you are in a relationship with is the one FOR YOU, and that you aren’t just taking whatever came your way at a certain time.” – Chris

“After they’ve already been dating. You’re still in the training to know and understand one another. Basically on the job training.” – King

“I do not feel this is true in my own situation. The decision to settle down has to come when a man feels like enough is enough. It was never the “next” woman but it was the woman that I felt completed me.” – Keith

“After he’s met her. No man walks around and thinks that every woman is settle down material. So he may be ready but she can still just be a smash or someone to hold the place until he finds one he feels worth settling down with.” – Greg

“I’m convinced to settle down with a woman after I meet her and have been in a  relationship with her for quite some time. I settled down with my girlfriend after I had been dating her for a year. We’ve been in a relationship officially for a little over a year. We’ve had our ups and downs in our relationship just like any typical committed relationship but what made us stronger is because of communication. Communication plays a huge part of a relationship because thoughts and opinions gets across to each other to be heard rather than holding onto unheard feelings.” – Putt

“I think both of these scenarios are true, just depends on the person.” – Jason

“Not true! Settling down generally happens when a man finds a woman who completes him.” – Ced

“The right woman will change a man….. I wasn’t ready til I met {Tina}…. And even though we ain’t together she changed me. The next woman will be lucky because of her.” – Lloyd

Why did it not work out with the last woman that you were in love with?

“She already had a boyfriend. lol” – King

“The last woman was a bit crazy. I never hit a woman but this was the first woman that hit me. Also she smoked more weed then Snoop Dogg.” – Keith

“She wanted to change the things I had worked on about myself and enjoyed. She pushed and pressed her views of what love should look like to outside people, instead of accepting what we had.” – Greg

“The reason why my last relationship didn’t work is because we actually rushed into the relationship without trying to get to know one another enough to get a real rapport. The sex was good, the chemistry was there but us being in a relationship together was very toxic. The only thing that was positive that came out of our relationship was our 2 year old son who is the reason why I keep myself sane, out of trouble and harm’s way.” – Putt

“Well for one I don’t think I have ever been in love. But I will say that impulsive actions caused the demise of my last relationship. Mainly actions that were done out of anger.” – Jason

“It didn’t work out with her because she had 2 children for 2 different men. I know I’m terrible. Other than that she was pretty awesome.” – Ced

“I wasn’t ready for a real woman…. I was a boy tryna impress her with cars and money instead of being myself.” – Lloyd

“Dishonesty, plain and simple. Being young and not as experienced led to making decisions that seemed inconsequential at the time, but ultimately led to significant problems as time wore on.” – Chris

When it comes to dating and courtship, do you prefer traditional (Man pursues, man pays etc.) or modern (any variation of the opposite of traditional)?

“I 100 % have to make the first move.” – Keith

“I prefer 50/50. If she wants me come get me. And vice versa. I normally pay but I want her to contribute. So if I pay 100 dollars for dinner at least get popcorn or the tip. If I’m handling all our bills at least handle my shoes or be my personal assistant.” – Greg

“I am very traditional when it comes to the right woman and I also believe that it should be 50/50 when it comes to dating courtship. I’m not saying 50/50 to go dutch on a date lol, but 50/50 on all the activities on a date and in a relationship. Women want everything to be equal but don’t want to be equal when it comes to dating and courtship because they want to be treated like royalty without treating their man like royalty also. I feel like at times you can’t take every woman you meet on a date because not all women deserve to be taken on a date. Here is my point of view, some women don’t deserve to be taken on dates because it’s some women out there who haven’t been on an actual date ( Yes it’s a quite few lol, trust me I know some women who haven’t been on a date.). Now it’s some that it’s not their fault and some it is their fault. The reason why I say that is because some women don’t go out on “real” dates because they present themselves as “Netflix and Chill” chicks, Smash and Go, Drive Thru etc… These women devalue themselves so much that when they actually meet a good decent man and when the man gets to know them, hearing their past experiences it becomes an turn off.” – Putt

“I’m very traditional in those regards. Not that I would be opposed to a woman taking initiative. However, it would feel a little weird though.” – Jason

“I prefer a variation of traditional and modern courtship. A man should pursue and pay but a woman should also be able to show that she is willing to contribute to the relationship. She should be assertive, supportive, appreciative, and able to occasionally pick up the tab.” – Ced

“It’s 2016…. We are equal, that means we both do. In the 50s women couldn’t get the same jobs as men…. So we had to take care of y’all. But what can a man do now that a woman can’t? Hell if a woman can run for president she can take me out.” – Lloyd

“Modern, in the sense that I don’t like to be confined to any set of non-negotiable rules. Now, I do believe in a man showing interest and leading, treating a lady like a lady, etc. but I am also open to a woman being forward about what she wants and expressing her feelings as well… and if she offers to treat me sometimes, I’d be a fool to decline.” – Chris

“I think you should go after what you want. Now just imagine you’re a guy and take a female on date and she pays the ticket out the blue. Wouldn’t your perception of her change at that moment? That’s telling me she may be a good business partner as of now.” – King

What are your views on having a side-chick(s)? What are your views about women who are okay with being side chicks?

“I don’t think I need or want one. A sidechick is unnecessary. I’ll just be single and smash or fuck who I want. If she can’t be about me while we’re talking then she can have that other dude and I’ll just put her in smash category. Women who are okay with being a sidechick is fine. Maybe she isn’t ready to be a girlfriend or wife. Just realize there’s a 90% chance she won’t become the girlfriend when she’s ready.” – Greg

“Having a side chick has it’s ups and downs, some women are cool with being side chicks because they know what the man is going through and see the problem from the outside while the woman in the relationship is too blind to see her faults that cause the problems in her relationship. When a man gets a side chick it’s for different reasons other than just sex, some men have a side chick for companionship, for conversation, or someone to hang out with. We do find some women who have the same interest as us are willing to try to bond with us in one of our interest such as sports, video games, bowling, or working out.” – Putt

“I feel like side chicks serve their purpose. Lol. I don’t have any negative views on women who are okay being sidechicks. If anything I respect them for playing their position.” – Jason

“I think people are too influenced by music and social media to where it is acceptable. If she is ok with being a side piece she’s probably not a lady.” – Ced

“The stupidest thing ever.” – Lloyd

“Not my cup of tea, at this stage in my life. There was a time, when my views were a bit more open, but that time has long passed. If that works for the woman in question, I’m not knocking anyone, but be wary of starting a relationship with a man who promotes you from side to main… because he did just that. You’re his main, but chances are he’s still gonna fill that open roster slot you left. The game doesn’t change, just the players.” – Chris

“Some women think they’re not side chicks. If he’s giving her time and financing her is she really a side chick? Now on the other side some females don’t care because it’s not their problem. They may only want one thing from that person and they get that so they’re cool.” – King

“If a man is married and plans on being 100 % in on it I feel that side chicks are the worse thing in the world to have. I’m kind of a sensitive guy and I must admit my wife and I had a bit of a hard time at first and I somewhat got involved with someone else. But I got somewhat attached to the young lady. Both of us decided to cut it off. This gave me a great amount of respect for her because one thing she said to me was that she made a mistake and she is worth more then being a “jump off” . My view is that in some situations “side chicks” and “side guys” are needed but just not for me.  My personal feeling is live and let live just not for me.” – Keith

What do you think is the worst part about dating?

“The worst part of dating nowadays is being open and brutally honest, most women can’t really handle the truth especially when they ask a man to “Keep it Real.” When a man opens up to you about his journey you should take him seriously for your sake and his sake because as much as he probably didn’t want to express himself, he trusted you enough to open up about the things he regrets he had done in his life. Now I know some women think that whenever they ask a man some questions and get an typical answer from him thinking that he’s probably running game on her may not be the reason. Example ( Have you ever cheated on any of your exes? Him: NO. Her: How many women do you talk to other than me? Him: Only you. Her: Yeah right, you’re just saying that to get some pussy.) It’s actually men out here who don’t have sex or talk to multiple women and have always been faithful in every relationship he has been in.” – Putt

“Not knowing someone’s true intentions. People say a lot of things that they don’t really mean.” – Jason

“The worst part of dating is getting to know a person and not knowing there true intentions during the process.” – Ced

“Tryna get her attention. Why we gotta go out and stuff? It’s like we give the prize then put in the work. Why not just chill… Get to know each other… Then go out to eat… Go to the movies. If we both watching the movie… I’m not learning about you because we’re both watching the movie. On dates… That’s not really you. That’s you dressed up… On your best behavior. I wanna see you at my house eating fried chicken with your hands… Not at Del Friscos tryna look pretty. Once I know the real you… Watching tv… Cooking… Let’s go to Walmart together… Let’s go to church together . Lets do that together and then we can do the fancy stuff. If I do all that to get your attention… What do we have to look forward too.” – Lloyd

“Having to get to know new people…and deciphering what’s real, from what’s just their early dating “representative”…assuming you’re dating with the intent of starting a relationship; otherwise, it’s all good.” – Chris

“Getting to know that person. That’s the longest process when trying to “hire” someone lol.” – King

“STD’S, the fact that it can get expensive and overall disappointment.” Keith

“Finding new people. Finding women who aren’t trying fuck their way into a relationship but finding women who aren’t using some game (rules) to try and trick me into thinking she’s worth it. Also the putting effort and energy into a woman and she’s giving 50% to me and 50% to another guy wondering why she can’t decide.” – Greg

Why do you feel that some men avoid relationships? Marriage?

“Monogamy is a scary thing when you think about it. In regards to marriage, a lot of women are basically telling men that they can only have the same vagina for the rest of their lives. I can honestly see why so many couples swing and have open relationships.” – Jason

“I think men avoid marriage because of the fear of the unknown… Failure.” – Ced

“That doesn’t apply to me… if I find the right one and I’m all in.” – Lloyd

“It has to be what THEY WANT, not what they feel is right, what their family/friends/society has pressured them into, not because they’re getting old, etc. It’s not always bright sunny skies and beautiful days, so if it isn’t something they truly want, they”ll never last in a marriage….and will end up just wasting their and someone else’s time.” – Chris

“They feel they can run their business on their own. Some just haven’t found a trustworthy business partner or a female may feel he’s not a trustworthy business partner. It all comes down to the energy you get from that person.” – King

“I was born in 1983, from the very moment puberty sets in men have been taught through media, music movies and social circles to conquer as many women as possible (this varies from culture to culture). I feel this is important in examining why some men of certain classes and communities get married (many fail) and some do not.  See in the small community I grew up in for many young males we never saw a whole lasting relationship. What we saw was a man having multiple woman and balancing them so to not get caught. It wasn’t until I was close to 30 that I was able to break away from the mental chains that had been holding me back from being a real man.” – Keith

“Not ready to stop the hunt of new vagina. Being hurt in a previous situation. Also enjoying the place they are in knowing some women will require a change.” – Greg

“In my opinion, the reason why men avoid relationships and marriages is because women lack consistency for the most part. Women lack consistency or stop being consistent because of listening to their single and hoe-ish homegirls’ bad advice. Women don’t know when to be happy for what they have in their relationship especially when everything is truly perfect because they want to do tests such as 90 day tests, talking to other men, trying to be single in a relationship, always going out with her friends being a THOT and being out all night like they don’t have a man at home waiting on them. Some women don’t realize that the things they don’t change from preventing a man to commit to them hurts their credibility when it comes to later situations down the road attempting love with other men because they will see that same flaws as well. Women want men to be consistent and always practice what they preach but women always try to play victim to this because of the traditional ‘Courtship’.” – Putt

Do men really have a “She’s Moving On” radar where you contact and/or try to reconnect with women who you may have hurt when you sense that she’s happy without you?

“Not at all, he is either lurking and see she’s moved on or his phone was dry and he wanted to spice up his life. Maybe the phone dry. lol” – Ced

“When she’s done….. She’s done. Normally that’s when she don’t wanna fuss…. As long as she fussing you still in there.” – Lloyd

“Couldn’t say, I’ve never lived or even witnessed it.” – Chris

“I don’t think so. Not for me anyway. I look at it as her lost not mine.” – King

“No. Well I don’t. With almost every women I’ve been with I only hope she was doing better without me. Through the power of Facebook I have been able to reconnect with previous lovers and it breaks my heart to see women taking a “step back” in relationships.” – Keith

“No, but men believe that women have it. Men have an “I miss the sex or miss her in general” radar. When they feel they’ve traveled to far from someone they generally try check back in.” – Greg

“Yes men do have that radar because some men think that they can persuade that woman to come to him and give him a second chance and he will do better this time around speech. Some men do change for the better to the woman that he did wrong because he may have had an epiphany of what his life will be like without her by his side. Men and women always send those 2-3 months message to someone they dated previously like ” Hey buddy, Big Head, Friend or my favorite (Big Daddy) lol.” I feel like that both men and women who have really hurt people in the past should get rid of that radar and move on to better themselves for the next person that comes into their lives so they can learn from their mistakes.” – Putt

“I personally don’t have that radar. Lol” – Jason

What do you think is the biggest misconception that women have about men as it relates to love and dating?

“Give us a reason to wanna do for you…. The less they ask for the more we will give.” – Lloyd

“That all men are the same, or running some type of game. It is wise to guard your heart, and be smart when dating someone new, but don’t ALWAYS be skeptical of every thing every man does for you. Some may genuinely just dig you as a person, and being so on guard all the time very well may cause you to miss out on the best thing that never happened to you.” – Chris

“Men are only after one thing and don’t have emotions. I don’t think it’s true tho.” – King

“I think women think they are dealing with men but do not realize that age does not determine maturity. My answer to this ladies is a credit report, nothing determines a mans maturity than looking at his Fico score. While this is not the only thing, you need use it as a tool in weeding out prospects.” – Keith

“That they don’t love as hard or harder. Or it’s some way to act like a man and still be perceived as a woman in the male and female roles.” – Greg

“The biggest misconception that women have about men is that “All Men are all the Same!!!!!” Ladies, not all men are all the same just because you run into the same kind of men like being trapped in a maze doesn’t mean that we’re all the same. It is good women out here but some are just too stubborn to realize that it is actually good men out here who is waiting on you to enter their lives to love you and make you truly happy but y’all never stick around long enough or pay attention to see what’s in front of you. Instead you pay attention to your friends and the niggas who’s always in your inbox on social media or text messages telling you that he can do better than him and when some of y’all decide to go with that bum he’s much worse than the good man that tried to prove his feelings, love, passion for you and only you.” – Putt

“We are not all the same! Some of us have honest, genuine intentions.” – Jason

“One of the biggest misconceptions is a woman thinking she can change a man. A woman can grow with, influence, support  and love me for me but never will she change me.” – Ced

What do you wish that women would do more when it comes to getting or maintaining your attention?

“Consistency is key. Don’t slack off as time passes, there was something about you that made me take notice, I’m sure I’ve mentioned it on more than one occasion, so by all means keep it going. Also, don’t, I repeat DO NOT drop hints for a man you are attracted to and would like to get to know better. Personally, I don’t take hints, I’m completely inept when it comes to them, and because different people perceive things differently, what may be a perfect hint to you, might not translate that way to me. To avoid that confusion, just say what you’re thinking and/or how you feel. Saves us both time and trouble, and keeps us from possibly missing out on each other.” – Chris

“Listen. All they gotta do is listen for the most part. Also, be ready to fuck at any given time. Try fucking and sucking in a Dillard’s dressing room or some off the wall place.” – King

“I’m a self admitted nerd, look up some current events and ask me about them.” – Keith

“Only do what they are willing to do/put up with for years. So don’t come sucking my dick for 2 hrs to get me then 6 months into the relationship now it’s 3 min and you’re looking at me funny. Don’t be okay with me going to strip clubs, letting me brag that you’re the cool girlfriend then 1 year in when I say I’m going out now you have an issue.” – Greg

“Women should communicate more to their man and be more consistent. Practice what you preach also to him in the beginning when y’all first start dating, because if you can’t stay consistent enough at least 70%-80% of the time y’all will be stuck in the “Situationship” rather than being in a relationship with that man of your dreams….” – Putt

“Men value consistency the same way women do. Don’t get lackadaisical once you have our attention. Continue to do the same things in the beginning that we initially liked.” – Jason

“Never stop dating. Continue to do the things that made you all fall for each other.” – Ced

“Be my friend… Do what the fellas do… Let’s go to the park…make a trip in the slabs…. Let’s go to church… Let’s just be friends…” – Lloyd

Any final thoughts?

“In closing I think the best thing a person can do in regards to finding that soul mate is to engage with the opposite sex as much as possible. Personally speaking, if I was to just get dating advice from my homeboys I may be setting myself up for failure, and I believe the same goes for women.  Going back almost 7 years I have been able to befriend some beautiful, intelligent women who I have been able to gain perspective from. When they come to me with their issues I try and tell them what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Although I may not have agreed with everything they said, I truly appreciated their perspective.” – Jason

“{When it comes to} sex it’s plain and simple. You just have to be a slut with the guy you’re with. Sex in the dressing room at Dillards or Express. Rent a hotel and have sex on the balcony. Don’t be predictable all the time and boring.” -King

“In regards to sex, in general, I’d have to say that I appreciate women who can be confident, fun, and a bit more spontaneous as a whole. That doesn’t necessarily mean getting it on in the middle of crowded concert or something, necessarily… lol jk but, I’ve always thought of sex as something that’s supposed to be fun and enjoyable, an act between consenting partners that should be memorable and meaningful. With that in mind, you don’t have to be up on the latest happenings in the “adult entertainment ” world (unless that’s your thing, more power to ya), but it’s important that you and your part are comfortable enough with yourselves and each other to just relax and have fun.” – Chris

Thank you gentlemen, and on behalf of all of the women out there who will gain and/or learn something from this post and your very insightful views… you are appreciated. #PacVoice  

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