We’ve all been there right? Ya know… that moment when you’re dating someone new that you’re actually digging and then by accident… or even on purpose (S/O to the upfront and honest people) it’s revealed to you that you’re not the only person they’re sharing their time with.
Bummer! Right? I mean what ever happened to the days when 2 people dated each other… The End? No outside influences. No backup plans. No team of prospects. Just 1 guy & 1 girl (or whatever pairing of choice) dating and enjoying each other?
But in all honesty was that ever even the “reality” in dating culture? Did our grandparents have a boo (or 2) on the side in the beginning stages of their courtship back in the day as well? Hey, it is possible!
I once read an article that discussed the necessity of dating more than one person at a time. Initially I was against the whole idea but when I weighed the benefits AND after a couple of dating faux pas of my own, it became very clear why it made so much sense. I even wrote a post about it here.
Dating more than one person is not about having a backup plan but it SHOULD be about being able to effectively identify what type of partner suits you best. It also helps in keeping a healthy dating perspective and avoiding the plague of what we call investing too much of yourself in one person. Or better yet, the wrong person.
So with that being said, should we be angry or offended when we find out that someone we’re dating is dating other folks?
Well, to me, that all depends on a few factors:
1. How you found out
2. Who they’re also dating
3. How long you have been dating them
4. How long they’ve been dating the other person
So fellas lets say that you’re dating this woman whom you believe is like the Gina to your Martin. (Gotta love those Martin episodes!) Anywho… she’s dope. Successful, beautiful, funny, intelligent and classy. And most importantly she likes you. She laughs at your jokes, she always respond to your texts and she’s consistently delighted to take you up on any opportunity to hang out together. But one day in conversation she tells you that she’s also seeing another guy. Nothing sleazy. .. it’s just her exercising her single woman rights to entertain other men. You can’t really be upset at the woman for her honesty and disclosure right?
Now on the other hand lets say that she never gives you any inclination that she dates other men and you happen to run into her on a date. Or you find out through the grapevine that she’s dating another guy. Then, in my opinion you may have some leverage in being upset with her. The WAY in which you find out does matter!
I must mention tho that it is important to ask these questions when you start seeing someone on a consistent basis. Because lets be honest. .. just because bringing it up and informing you that she dates other guys is something she could or should do doesn’t mean that it’s something that she HAS to do.
Now… *See Factor 2*
If the other men or women that your “boo” is dating in addition to you happens to be a relative, friend, enemy or someone who is on your “Oh HELL NO!” list then Houston we have a problem.
If you find out that the guy or girl you’re dating is also dating your coworker or maybe even a friend of a friend who you sometimes have brunch with on Sundays then… yeah that’s not going to work. Should you be upset? Well yes… only if everyone else except you (meaning him and her) knew about these acquaintances and still chose to proceed. Yeah… not cool. At all.
Now let’s change the scenario and say that the person your new boo is also dating is a stranger to you but happens to be someone they’ve been dating for a very long time. Like “they’re in a relationship” long time. Or worse… a “he’s actually married” long time. Then hell yes you should be angry. AND depending on how much drama he has now inserted you into you might want to pay some body to kick his a** on your behalf. I’m just saying. That’s never okay and people like that need physical harm done to them. lol I despise deceptive people!
Now this one is kinda heavy. You really have to determine if how long you’ve been dating the person gives you the adequate justication to be upset.
Only dating for 3 months? Then maybe you’re overreacting and need to in fact go find you a couple of other people to date as well so that your expectations aren’t so high and placed unwarranted on this person that you’ve kinda just met.
But now if you’ve been seeing this person for about 6 months or more then you probably should be concerned that they still have a need to date other people. Not a concern as if you aren’t good enough but moreso concerned at your decision to still date them despite of. (Been there, done that, got a t-shirt!)
BUT… as a disclaimer I have to say that I’m speaking in general so if either of these scenarios work for you then by all means… Do You!
I must bring in Factor 4 on that note tho…
If they’ve been dating this other person(s) for an extended amount of time and they are now dating you then maybe you’re being played and you have unknowingly (or knowingly) found yourself in a sideline situation. And as we all know both males and females can be sideline joints these days. Nobody is safe lol.
You have to be very observant when it comes to stuff like this, especially in this dating culture… and you MUST ask questions. And not just those vague yes or no questions either. To protect yourself you have to be very specific when you’re trying to evaluate what kind of situation you’re placing yourself in.
Never be too scared or reserved to seek clarity about things that don’t sound right to you and especially about things that can affect you in any way. There’s nothing wrong with asking someone. .. “So just to be clear, are you dating other people at the moment? “.
And even then you still have to be careful with your wording because that “at the moment” part can give a liar the perfect loophole they need.
I once met a very handsome guy who happened to have a generally unique name. So being that I love to google guys I knew I would be able to find info on him because of the unique spelling of his name. Lo and behold I found his Facebook page and only 3 days prior to his attempt to pursue me his girlfriend/babymama had tagged him in pictures of the two of them kissing and even dressed alike lol. He had also shared one of the photos on his page with the caption of “My wifey… I’m in this forever” or some other corny ish like that. So I hit him up like… so just for clarification you are single right? I wanted to see if he at least had enough “integrity” to tell the truth. He said yes. I said so that means no girlfriend, boo, lady, wife, fiancé or babymama you’re trying to work things out with? He said… yes. So I said. .. so you’re completely single? (That’s 3 whole chances to be honest)
This fool said yes, at this very moment I’m single.
When I asked what does that mean he said that him and his babymama had tried to work it out but she moved on and got married so now he’s single.
I never spoke to him again. Unless she got married 2 days before that conversation he was lying. He never knew I found his page cuz I never mentioned it. No time for fake ones. But thank God that I probed further because “yes I’m single” could’ve been enough and then I would’ve been in some sick, chaotic drama triangle with him and his child’s mother. Dodged a bullet on that one.
So I said ALL of that to say…
People have a right to date multiple people at a time as long as they are honest and forthcoming with the truth when the time calls for it. AND as long as they are in non committed interactions.
If I’m dating a guy early on and he tells me that he’s dating other women I won’t be offended. Well… maybe I will feel some type of way about it lol but I will get over it. I just hope he understands that it is quite possible that I’m already dating other guys as well. And if he asks and I am, I’ll tell him.
As long as we’re all dating responsibly, respectfully and honestly there’s no reason or justification for anger. Just get your own dating weight up… or settle for being the person with one basket full of eggs waiting to be heartbroken.
Your call. 😉