When I first launched this blog I thought it would be cool to interview a few folks that I consider to be pretty awesome.. but who, like myself, were single at the moment. I asked them 3 simple questions in order to gauge their mind-frame as a single adult in this day and age. I concluded the interaction with one simple question…
Why do you think you are currently single?
Honestly, this was my favorite part of that series. Why? Because I knew it was the moment when most people are forced to be honest with themselves. And whether or not they vocalize that honesty, it still manifests itself within their thoughts —> and in a perfect series of events, it can spark an authentic journey into the reality of why we are not in consistent, fulfilling and secure relationships.
I even asked myself the same question and my answer showed my own vulnerabilities. Although my state of mind and emotional status changes and evolves based on what life throws at me… I still can pinpoint exactly where I was mentally when I answered that question myself.
With transparency I said:
“Because contrary to my own belief, I’m just not ready for a relationship. I’m on a journey to self-love that goes beyond verbal affirmations. I’ve always had a healthy self-esteem, & I was convinced of my undying love for myself but in my most recent dating experience I did not represent that love in my actions. The things I tolerated and unofficially accepted made me not recognize or like the woman who was looking back at me in the mirror. So I’m single because of 2 main reasons. 1. It’s about time I swept my own self off my feet. 2. I haven’t met a man who can handle the freedom that comes with the type of girlfriend I am.”
It has been a little over 2 months since I wrote that. Is it still my reality? Yeah, pretty much. Is it even more complicated now though? Most definitely!
See at that time I had been on a strict, cold turkey 3 month hiatus from a man who I was trying to force myself to get over. Today, a little over 2 months later and that hiatus is null and void. So now… I believe I am single for all of the reasons above, but also because I have not figured out how to get over someone in my past. And, aside from just not being lucky enough lately to meet guys who excite me, I am not truly in a “healthy space” for a relationship with anyone new.
My friends say I’m too picky.. and I’ll admit that I have my moments but I’ve tried the “give a guy a try” approach and it just didn’t work at all. I honestly feel like it’s settling and I also feel like it’s a disservice to a guy if I date him knowing that I’m not attracted to him… whether physically, mentally, socially or sexually. It’s really just a waste of time.
And aside from all of that I have realized a few things about myself:
1. I am passive aggressive
2. I may have some lingering “daddy issues”
3. I am very emotionally needy at times
4. And although I am the perfect girlfriend when it comes to giving a man his space I tend to become the perfect girlfriend to cheat on for the very same reasons. If that makes any sense.
5. And to throw a few positive-negatives in there… I am way too “understanding”, “compassionate” and “selfless” at times… often putting others before myself. Unfortunately, that rarely benefits me and all too often it makes people take me for granted. Not to mention that it comes across as weak and “doormat behavior” which is even more annoying because I’m neither.
SOOOO… enough about me and my issues lol, why do you guys think you are single?
Is it because you’re so fine that everyone is too intimidated to date you? Or is it something realistic like… you’re crazy, overly emotional, a serial cheater or too possessive and insecure?
I feel like if we all really sat down and was honest with ourselves about our flaws and our responsibility in our failed relationships we can truly begin to heal.. evolve and with change begin to experience better relationships with better outcomes.
Hell, I know I have issues and honestly I used to make excuses for them. I’m too old for that now and I have wasted enough years being in denial about my shortcomings.
Women tend to blame men. Men tend to blame women. But rarely do we blame ourselves… and that is the problem. Not saying that we should internalize or adopt responsibility for things we didn’t do or had no control over BUT we must start being truthful about the role we played in these occurrences in our dating encounters.
Healing and Life Improvements start with Acknowledgement. So once again I’ll ask you all…
Why do you think you are currently single?
Well im goin to do why I WAS single. I believe I was single because 1. I kept on trying to find flaws in myself that would result in guys treating me the way they would (not wanting to commit). My ex never apaologized amd if he dod it was insencere. Reguardless,he.would keep on doing it. So I started to wonder if it was me. What did I do wrong? Whats wrong with me that makes him act this way? These thoughts constantly running through my head left me depressed and drained mentally.
After we broke up,I was changing my.attitude towards men,which became another reason why I am single is because 2. I stigmatize potential love interests and pushed them away through negativity. If I even thought a guy wasnt smart enough or looked like he was a playa I would end it before it even started. When I did find someone who passed my cruel prejudgments, I would then be left stuck because of my third reason why im single 3. I had been out of the game for so long, that I forgot how to talk to a guy. It sounds weird but I was trully lost. I didnt know how to talk,what to say,how to flirt…the whole process had me on pins and needles because I was constantly second-guessing myself and would be terrifyingly awaiting his response to see if I sais the right thing or not.
Finally, I feel I am single because I will not settle. In the past my “Save A Hoe” tendencies have led me to settle and still gottwn nowhere with the giu but heart and head aches. My next partner will be someone intelligent, someone who knows and has an opinion on whats going on in the world, someone who values grtting to know the deeper me and not just whats under my clothes. Basically someone I will have a verbal and mental attraction just as much as a sexual one.